"NFL Preview" or "How the Lockout Means Nothing Now That Football Has Begun"

Time to do a little NFL prognosticating...


NFC

NFC East
In the NFC East, we have what everyone is calling a "Dream Team." I hope everyone enjoys that term because if the Eagles win at least nine games this season, that term will be thrown out more than the town floozy after a night of fun. However, I don't really think that they are going to be as good as advertised, bad offensive line, injury prone quarterback with Vince Young backing him up. Blah. Washington will be mediocre, in a fashion that only Rex Grossman can produce. New York is going to be sucking it up from the back of the pack, injuries, injuries, injuries. So that leaves me with only one team, Cowboys. I hate em, but I think they are going to win this division, hands down.

The Crap Division
Who will win the NFC West? Let's keep this short, these are the starting quarterbacks for these four teams: Kevin Kolb for the Cardinals, Sam Bradford for the Rams, Alex Smith for the 49ers (side note: Alex Smith was drafted first in the very same draft that saw the next quarterback taken slip to the 24th pick, Super Bowl Champ Aaron Rodgers), and Tarvaris Jackson for the What the Fuck is Pete Carroll Gonna Do Out There Seahawks. So obviously the 49ers and Seahawks are out (bummer because the 49ers are my second favorite team), so that leaves us with the Cards and Rams, who I think will tie for the division lead, Rams getting the tie breaker despite splitting the season series.

NFC South
Now this is a hard division to put your finger on. The Falcons were the top of the NFC last year, the Saints are typically always good (as long as Brees still has an arm), the Panthers have Cam Newton (they shall suck), and Tampa has Freeman and would have made the playoffs is the Bears could have just taken down the Packers in week 17 in a game that did not matter for them but meant everything for Green Bay. Panthers in last, Falcons in third (What!?!), Tampa gets to second, Saints win the division, But Tampa makes the Playoffs. How exciting this division will be!

NFC North
Last year, Chicago won the division, Packers won the Super Bowl, Vikings started some douche named Brett Favre (Penis and all), and the Lions made strides while Stafford was healthy (something he is not often). Now the Vikings added Donovan McNabb.....so they are going to finish last. Packers will obviously win the division (barring a Rodgers injury). Bears win a wild card, trust me on this...Cutler will be good this year. He's skinnier, he worked on his footwork in the off season, he has the same shitty receivers as last year that he was doing pretty well with but now with Roy Williams who wants to make some money next year, and losing Olsen means not that much, sure he caught the ball but Martz's offense doesn't want a tight end that catch the ball, that's with Des Clark is gone also, it needs a blocking tight end, something Olsen was terrible at. Lions will deal with injury and finish a noble third.

NFC

North
Packers 13-3
Bears 11-5
Lions 8-8
Vikings 5-11

East
Cowboys 12-4
Eagles 11-5
Redskins 7-9
Giants 6-10

South
Saints 12-4
Buccaneers 11-5
Falcons 10-6
Panthers 3-13

West
Rams 9-7
Cardinals 9-7
49ers 4-12
Seahawks 3-13

AFC

AFC North
This, my friends, will be a division that displays both the Haves and the Have-Nots. Pittsburgh and Baltimore are on a completely different level than the Bengals and the Browns. During the eight games played between the Haves and the Have-Nots, I predict the Browns will win one of those games and the Bengals will win none. However, Pittsburgh is beastly and I think they'll have one more win more game than the Ravens, Browns better than Bengals.

AFC South
Alrite, no Peyton Manning means forget about those Pesky Colts. Jaguars are starting a McCown and cutting Garrard (Wtf?). Titans have Hasselback. And the Texans have no defense. This leads me to believe that the Jags will come last, say goodbye to Del Rio, followed closely by the Colts cuz maybe Peyton plays some games, then the Titans, and the Texans finally make the playoffs, because if they don't Kubiak's gone.

AFC East
Remember those Haves and Have-Nots, that applies here too. The Dolpins and the Bills are going to be Really Really Really Terrible. Chad Henne!?!?! Cmon!!!! Fitzpatrick is not that bad actually but that team is not good. Whichever one of these teams that ends up with only one win will be picking Andrew Luck next year, and then they won't have to worry about being that terrible anymore, that will be the Dolphins. Now, the Jets and the Patriots on the other hand will be two truly dominant teams. Pats on top, Jets in the Wild Card. Moving on...

Crap Division of the AFC
I think that everyone in their right mind knows that the Chargers will win this division, especially now that Special Teams mean so much less. The Broncos, Raiders, and Chiefs will have to battle it out for mediocrity, with the Broncos probably being the best of the three, Chiefs and Raiders tying for last (Cassel and Campbell).

AFC

North
Steelers 13-3
Ravens 12-4
Browns 5-11
Bengals 4-12

South
Texans 10-6
Titans 7-9
Colts 5-11
Jaguars 3-13

East
Patriots 14-2
Jets 12-4
Bills 6-10
Dolphins 1-15

West
Chargers 12-4
Broncos 8-8
Raiders 4-12
Chiefs 4-12


Playoffs (Winners in Bold and Red)

Wild Card Round

6) Bears at 3) Saints
5) Buccaneers at 4) Rams

6) Jets at 3) Chargers
5) Ravens at 4) Texans

Divisional Round

6) Bears at 1) Packers
5) Buccaneers at 2) Cowboys

5) Ravens at 1) Patriots
3) Chargers at 2) Steelers

Conference Championships

5) Buccaneers at 1) Packers

2) Steelers at 1) Patriots

Super Bowl

Rematch of last year but this time the Steelers take down the Pack attack. Mark my words suckas!!!!!

"Conference Round Preview" or "The Only Team I Hate Left is the Heat"

Rose Ascends while the Heat Remain Grounded

I apologize to my many, many, many readers for not being able to post this Conference Final stuff before the actual Conference Finals started, but my life has been thrown into something of an upheaval what with my computer pooping out on me and my car following suit within three days of each other. It's been fun, but I have my brother's computer with me today so I can finally post this up.

Last round was awesome to say the least. So let's get to it.

Jeremy's Round Two Predictions Revisited

East

1) Bulls vs. 5) Hawks
My Prediction: Bulls in 4
Reality: Bulls in 6
Well, the Bulls won and that's all that really matters here. Jeff Teague turned out to be a worthy offensive foe seeing as he basically propelled them to win both of their victories. However, no one messes with Derrick Rose's status as the dominant force in every playoff series. It was wrong of me to think that they would sweep. Only the defending champs are allowed to be swept!

2) Heat vs. 3) Celtics
My Prediction: Celtics in 7
Harsh Reality: Heat in 5
Damn you, Heat! I will say that they deserved to win the first three games of the series, but Rondo going down in game four was the real series changer. Do I assume that the Celts would have won the next four games? No. However, I do think that after they win game four, they would have won game five if Rondo hadn't been hurt. Then we have the Heat feeling the pressure going back into Boston for game six. Definitely we could have seen some crazy stuff and in the process allowed the Heat to get a little worn down. But no! That can't happen when the most pivotal player on the Celtics dislocates his elbow and Shaq is not the Superman they thought.

West

8) Grizzlies vs 4) Sonics
My Prediction: Sonics in 7
Sweet Reality: Sonics in 7
Pretty much nailed this one on the head, it was a dogfight. I learned two things from this series: 1) The Grizzlies are not just some flash in the pan. If Randolph can continue to play at the level he has this year, then this is a team that is only going to grow, and with the advanced age of some of the other powers in the Western Conference, we could see this team creep up to a five seed. 2) The Sonics will most likely be next year's one seed looking down at the theoretical fifth place Grizzlies, because it seems as if Durant and Westbrook are on the same page here. They took the series with ease in game seven, winning by fifteen, not really any question as to who was ready to be playing the Mavs the Western Finals.

2) Lakers vs 3) Mavs
My Prediction: Lakers in 6
Hilarious Hilarious Reality: Mavs in 4!!!!!!
I thought the Lakers were going to get it together for this series, having already been pushed by a New Orleans team that had no business taking the Lakers to six games. But they showed us that actually, they were completely complacent with two titles and had no solution to Dirk Nowitski. More hilarious than watching the Lakers walk off of the court with their heads down: Nothing. I like Kobe because he is a good player and he rarely is talking about anything other than basketball. He doesn't host SNL, despite the fact that he has won five championships and therefore has more reason to host SNL than LeBron, but whatever. But it's still just so great to see the Lakers fall like a bunch of fools. Good job Mavericks!!!!

Conference Finals Preview

Eastern Finals

1) Bulls vs 2) Heat
This is going to be one interesting series. These two teams show up after two completely different previous series. The Heat handled the Celtics in five, while the Bulls struggled with some of the more Teaguey aspects of the Hawks. This series presents me with two polar opposite possible results due to the fact that I am a rampant Bulls fan and that I despise the Heat with every ounce of my being, especially that piece of shit LeBron, I hope he breaks his ankle in seven places. So either the Bulls win and I am extremely happy because the Bulls are going to the Finals and they dispatched of LeDouche, or the Heat win and I am doubly miserable because they beat the Bulls and stupid LeBron would most likely be on his way to a title. However, I have faith that the same aspects of the Bulls game (defense and DRose) that allowed them to sweep the season series will also allow them to win this series. After all, the Heat celebrated pretty hard after beating the Celtics, clearly the Celtics were the team that they were geared up to take down. Well guess what morons, you are the team that the remaining three teams are geared up to beat. I hope South Beach is accepting when you lose the series at home. Bulls in 6

Western Finals

3) Mavs vs 4) Sonics
The amped up Mavs take on the tired Sonics, after expending a large amount of energy on the dispatching of the Grizzlies. What shall we get? We have an old team that has had lots of time to rest and a young team, who should theoretically be able to keep up since they are functioning on young legs, able to withstand the rigors of a postseason when there have only been a few previous appearances. I really don't know. It's hard for me to pick against the team that just wasted the Lakers, and it seems foolish to continue doubting a team that has shut up doubters for the last two series. However, the Sonics are really good, and they are young, and Westbrook and Durant are firing on all cylinders. I'm going against my better instincts, but they are just so good, backpacks and all. Sonics in 7

"Second Round Preview" or "How the Bulls Played Guaranteed Victories the First Two Rounds"

Get used to seeing a lot of this.

First off, I would like to thank the Grizzlies for taking care of the Spurs in six, so I could write this second round post before any of the second round games actually started. A San Antonio-Memphis game seven would have thrown a total wrench in my plans. Also, I would like to thank Derrick Rose for keeping it going for the Bulls despite a feistier Pacers team than most thought, most fools anyway. My plan here is to first analyze the predictions from last round, then move onto Round 2.

Jeremy's Round One Predictions Revisited

East

1) Bulls vs. 8) Pacers
My Prediction: Bulls in 5
Actuality: Bulls in 5
I was dead on with this one. Pacers were rough and the Bulls persevered in five games. Bulls move on and get some time to rest Boozer's foot, Rose's ankle.

2) Heat vs. 7) 76ers
My Prediction: Heat in 6
Actuality: Heat in 5
Well, I basically got this right, but I gave the 76ers too much credit. LBJ and DWade move on to a real challenge.

3) Celtics vs. 6) Knickerbockers
My Prediction: Celts in 6
Actuality: Celts Sweep in 4
What we learned here: Knicks are not as good as we thought. Celtics awoke in this series and after escaping with a win in Game 1, they pretty much just took the series over and Stoudemire got hurt, and now the Celtics are focusing on the Heat, and the Knicks are already out of the NorthEast and getting drunk in Florida.

4) Magic vs. 5) Hawks
My Prediction: Hawks in 7
Actuality: Hawks upset in 6
Bad Luck for the Magic, who seem to have no way to beat this not so grand Hawks team. Also, Hinrich helps the Hawks win and gets hurt with two minutes left in the series. God must be a Bulls fan.

West

1) Spurs vs. 8) Grizzlies
My Prediction: Spurs in 5
Actuality: Grizzlies in 6
This is my only wrong series pick of the first round. But to be fair, I did say that I knew nothing about the Grizzlies, and I do know that the Spurs are totally weak sauce.

2) Lakers vs. 7) Hornets
My Prediction: Lakers in 5
Actuality: Lakers in 6
I was close, Chris Paul willed them to one more win than I had thought. I wonder where he will end up one day, actually playing winning basketball.

3) Mavs vs. 6) Blazers
My Prediction: Mavs in 7
Actuality: Mavs in 6
Dirk is getting ready for Kobe, because the Mavs and Lakers will be meeting for the first time in the playoffs. It's going to be off da hook. Blazers just didn't have enough.

4) Sonics vs. 5) Nuggets
My Prediction: Sonics in 5
Actuality: Sonics in 5
Everything I said came true, Durant, Westbrook, and Perkins are just too good. Nuggets and Carmelo share a plane to Florida for cocktails.

Second Round Predictions

East

1) Bulls vs. 5) Hawks
The Bulls struggled their way to a series win against the Pacers in five, but can probably breathe a sigh of relief now that the Hawks knocked out Howard. The Bulls own the Hawks (like every other team in the NBA that does not play in Orlando) and now Hinrich is hurt, the only guy who can properly guard Derrick Rose. This should be cake. Bulls in 4

2) Heat vs. 3) Celtics
I cannot wait to enjoy watching these two teams beat the shit out of each other. I have despised LeBron since the days of not shaking hands after being eliminated from the playoffs, then he danced on the sidelines last year, left the free throw line to jaw at Noah on the bench (yet didn't get suspended or fined despite flagrantly violating NBA rule), abandoned his hometown team, did it on tv, didn't realize what the big deal was, and now is a part of this unnatural meld of superstars (him and Wade, Bosh sucks). I despise them with every ounce of my being and would very much like to see a depleted, tired Celtics team in the Conference Finals. Celts in 7

West

8) Grizzlies vs. 4) Sonics
These Grizzlies turned out to be one spunky, talented team. Armed with Randolph and the superior Gasol, they managed to wipe the floor with the Spurs, while the Sonics did the same with the scattered Nuggets. This should be a random dogfight of a series. I imagine that the Sonics are going to end up coming out on top, although I would not be surprised if the Grizz can pull out a second upset in a row. Sonics in 7

2) Lakers vs. 3) Mavs
The Mavs defied the odds by beating a team they should have beat and the Lakers defied no odds by playing lazily through the first four games of the series and winning through sheer talent rather than those unnecessary traits like effort or well run plays or any of that hogwash. Can Dirk take this team to the heights of beating the Lakers? I hope so, because I really would not like to see another Lakers threepeat, talk about boring. However, I find it hard to pick against the Lakers this early, maybe next round. We'll see. Lakers in 6

See Ya in the Conference Finals!

"First Round Preview" or "You Think This is Good? Wait Til the Next Round"

A reporter from two weeks from now sent me this picture from the First Round

Alrite, it's been a crazy couple of weeks, so I haven't had the most time in the world for blogging. However, since the NBA Playoffs are on the horizon, I figured I should make my First Round Predictions, and then when I write my second round preview, we can all laugh at how wrong the First Round ones were.

East

1) Bulls vs. 8) Pacers
This is not the cakewalk that everyone thinks it is. However, the Bulls are, at the moment, an unstoppable force, and you know what they say, when an unstoppable force meets the Indiana Pacers, the Bulls go to the second round. It's a saying that has a very small area of application. Anyways, Bulls in 5

2) Heat vs. 7) 76ers
I hate the Heat, but I'm no idiot. Sure Doug Collins' team is a great story but Lebron and Wade (notice I didn't say Bosh) are just too good. Heat in 6

3) Celtics vs. 6) Knicks
I don't really think that the Knicks can knock out the Celts, but that doesn't mean it's going to be easy. It's hard not to win a couple of games when you have Carmelo and Amare on a team that is playing against an aging, size deficient Celtics. Regardless, the Celtics get it done: Celtics in 6

4) Hawks vs. 5) Magic
I love Kirk Hinrich. I've named things after him (not my penis, it remains nameless, anonymous, laughing at all the silly names the other penises get disgraced with). But even my dumb Hinrich adoring ass would never think that these Hawks could beat the Magic...........Or would I?!? I was ready to pick the Magic like everyone else out there but it just doesn't seem like the inconsistency in Howard's character (his inability to help himself from racking up technical fouls and subsequent suspensions) and the fact that the Hawks have indeed won three of their four meetings (one of them at the end of March after they "quit" on their coach). I have no basketball reasons behind this decision: Hawks in 7

West

1) Spurs vs 8) Grizzlies
I know nothing about the Grizzlies due mostly to the fact that not a whole lot of West games get aired in the Midwest unless they are games starring Kobe Bryant. Spurs in 5

2) Lakers vs 7) Hornets
Poor Chris Paul. Shitty team to play with. Shitty knee to play on. Shitty match up in the first round. Kobe and Co are licking their chops because they know their first real challenge won't be until the Conference Finals. Chris Paul wills one win, Lakers in 5

3) Mavs vs 6) Blazers
I'm not going to make an argument for this other than I think Dirk is going to carry this team (as usual) and the Blazers (while they are pretty good) won't have enough to take him down. Mavs in 7

4) Sonics vs 5) Nuggets
Does it make Carmelo sad that his old team is better without him than his new team is with him? After spending my last two shifts delivering pizza listening to nothing but BS Reports about the playoffs, I have come to the conclusion that Durant, Westbrook, and Perkins (A Celtics fan cries a single tear) are going to destroy what looks like a very good Nuggets team. Sorry George Karl, Sonics in 5

Random Side Note: Been listening to the Tron Soundtrack by Daft Punk alot, it's awesome.

"The Craziest Final Four Ever" or "If You Don't Have an Animal Mascot, You Can't Play!!"

After this weekend's quagmire of an Elite Eight, we end up with a Final Four consisting of 3-Seed Connecticut, 4-Seed Kentucky, 8-Seed Butler, and 11-Seed Virginia Commonwealth. Let's break this down:

University of Connecticut: This team placed ninth in the Big East, with a conference record of 9-9. However, they spent the majority of the season taking down teams bigger and scarier than them: Michigan State, their Final Four match-up Kentucky, Texas, then they wipe out all the big names in the conference in their "Five Days of Winning" Big East Championship. They made their way into the tournament and beat Bucknell, Cincinnati, San Diego State, and Arizona.....pretty weak, the average of the seeds they have beaten in this tournament is 6.75. On the other hand, I did pick them to make it to the Final Four, so basically I am amazing and part of only 26% of the entries on Espn to have even one Final Four right. Boo-Yah!

University of Kentucky: What can I say? Second in the SEC East behind Florida, won the SEC Tournament. They've beaten alot of good teams in their conference and lost to the likes of Arkansas, Ole Miss, and those punk ass bitches Vanderbilt (I hate Vandy for no reason, just do, maybe it's the fugly uniforms). The only surprise about Kentucky making it to the Final Four is that they beat Ohio State on the way, and Ohio State was looking dominant. The average seed of the teams they played was 5.5.

Butler University: Butler....How the hell did they do this again? Can they do it without Matt Howard in the future? Why is their coach so young? These questions don't matter because these Black Clad Bulldogs have made it to the Final Four for the second straight year. They won the Horizon League and the tournament, although they only had to play two games to do so, against Cleveland St. and Milwaukee, hardly the Murderer's Row that UConn faced. They've lost to the likes of Evansville and (even more hilarious) Youngstown State (2-16 in the Horizon). But somehow they gathered the gumption to take down Pitt, Wisconsin, and Florida, no small feat. Their average seed played is 4, easily the hardest of the four remaining teams.

Virginia Commonwealth University: How bout this bullshit? VCU somehow squeezed their way into this tournament and are now just laying down a wasteland of sad teams. These guys came in fourth (FOURTH!!!!) in the Colonial League behind George Mason (8-seed), Old Dominion (9-seed), and Hofstra (participating in the College Basketball Invitational, a tournament held for teams that don't make the NCAA Tourney or the NIT. This is a tournament I did not know existed until I was doing research for this post.). Hofstra finished two games ahead of VCU in the league. VCU's season involved losing to such up and coming teams as: South Florida in OT, UAB, Georgia State, Northeastern (Yes that is a real team), and Drexel. While they beat:....Old Dominion once, Hofstra......., George Mason in the Colonial Tournament. But regardless of how the hell this team got into the tournament, they have leveled the teams they've been beating, USC by thirteen in the play-in game, Georgetown by eighteen, Purdue by eighteen, FSU was a close one point success in OT, but then they follow it up by beating Kansas by ten! This team could do anything: Lost to Butler by twenty five, win the whole thing, roast a real Ram as a sacrifice to the NCAA god for the sixth time in three weeks. Average Seed of their opponents: 5.17.

I think that I have learned from this tournament: 1)If you feel, while you are filling out your bracket, completely uneasy with every one of your picks, you are probably gonna have a terrible bracket. 2) If all of the experts say that there are gonna be a ton of upsets but pick all top three seeded teams to go to the Final Four, then they are just as uneasy as the rest of us and are going safe. 3) All of us should have done as the experts say and not as the experts do (the old line rolled out by parents when their teenagers find out that they used to smoke as teenagers) because when no one knows how to pick, there was certainly be some sort of mayhem going on.

I'd like to end this column with a little bit of criticism. Charles Barkley, everyone's favorite word vomiting TV basketball analyst for TNT, has basically been ripping the Big East all season, something I can appreciate, being a Big Ten man. He has often referred to them as the "Big Least." Apparently Jim Calhoun (UConn coach took offense to this because he had this to say, ""I've heard people call us the 'Big Least'. The large gentleman (Barkley) that called us that. The ninth-place team in the Big Least is now in the Final Four"
Let me explain something to you, Calhoun, while I appreciate what your team has done to validate a small part of my bracket, you need to understand that a conference that has one of it's eleven tournament teams make it to the Final Four is no success. So join me Calhoun and let's further analyze what happened to the various Big East Teams: In the first round you go 7-4 (Terrible for a power conference with only 11-seed Marquette and 9-seed Villanova as the worse seed in their respective games). You lose 4-seed Louisville to 13 Morehead St. (Pitino is doing analyst work the next day on CBS), 6-Seed St. John's in a loss to 11 Gonzaga, 6-Seed Georgetown in a destiny-laced loss to 11 VCU, 9-Seed Villanova (year long choker) to 8 George Mason. The second round is even more brutal to the Big East going only 2-5 with their remaining seven teams: 1-seed Pitt loses to 8 Butler (my bracket subsequently becomes nothing more than a piece of paper with a bunch of scrapings on it), 2-Seed Notre Dame loses to 10 Florida St, 3-Seed Syracuse losing to fellow Big Easter 11 Marquette, 6-seed Cincinnati loses to 3 Uconn, 5-seed West Virginia loses to 4 Kentucky.
So, Jim, do you think a conference that gives us eleven tournament teams and only gets two of them to the Sweet Sixteen is something to be proud of? Which other conferences had two teams make it to the Sweet Sixteen? Well the Big Ten did with only seven teams in the tournament, the SEC did with only five tourney teams, the Mountain West did (The MOUNTAIN WEST!) with only three teams making the tournament, and even better, the ACC had only four teams in the field of 68 and three of them (UNC, Florida St., and Duke) made it to the Sweet Sixteen.
Basically, the Big East was a big old sucker of a conference this year. Tons of ranked teams but the team that wins the Big East tournament is the ninth seed in their conference and the only two teams of theirs to make the Sweet Sixteen were the ninth placed Huskies and the eleventh placed Marquette Golden Eagles. WOW, what an awesome fucking conference you got there Calhoun.
Not to discount UConn, though. They are a good team that got hot at the right time, and clearly have the ability to beat other good teams, so they could win just as much as the other three teams, but that does not mean that the Big East was anything amazing, they just have a ton of teams, and this was a wacky year for college basketball.

In summary, Crazy Final Four, Big East sucks.

"Review of Battle LA" or "How Did Michelle Rodriguez Learn to Use a Gun So Quickly?"

These people are dumb. They had plenty of warning that these meteors were coming!

Two weeks ago, Matt and I set out to go see Battle LA. We decided, unwisely it seems, to invite Brian to come with us, he had just returned back from Champaign to live back home (the unfortunate trip that at some time befalls all of us middle-classed students of the University of Illinois). He says he's gotta eat dinner with his family and then he'll come. So I tell him when it is, he says he's bringing Brenden, it's all figured out. Me and Matt are prepared, we get there a half hour early, buy us all tickets (because we are nice guys and don't want the movie to sell out and our buddies who are not there yet to be left in the lurch while we watch Aaron Eckhart take on some gnarly water craving aliens set on a background of the ruined wasteland of a war-ravaged Los Angeles), get some food from the food court in the mall, and wait for those fools to get there. The movie is at 7:45, they arrive at 7:56. We get in there, there are no seats, we go out and exchange our tickets for the next show at 9:20. This is the second night in a row that poor Matt has gone to see this movie and had to buy tickets for the next show, basically investing four hours of his time each night waiting for and viewing this movie. Was it worth it?
We all agreed that this movie was essentially Black Hawk Down but where we were fighting aliens and not Somalis. Basically, Aaron Eckhart plays Micheal Nantz, a Marine Staff Sergeant who just led his troop to their death. He survives, filled with guilt, and is about to be granted his requested release, when Wait! What's this?!? Aliens have arrived in what originally appeared to be meteorites, and Nantz is thrown into the immediate war that ensues. The entire movie focuses on the single troop that is running around Los Angeles with a mission to first save some civilians, every time they think that they have saved some injured soldiers, the helicopter that they are taking gets destroyed on take off by the aliens, once again leaving just the troops and the civilians that made it through the various scary encounters.
This movie is actually better than I am making it sound. The movie's pretty good if you like war movies, and the special effects were really awesome. It's basically just about the relationships between the soldiers, with the aliens merely playing a faceless enemy, who messes stuff up periodically. We all left the theater with a sense that we liked the film, but honestly the whole mess of waiting for the movie cuz it was sold out is what really stands out of my entire Battle LA experience. However, I do really enjoy a movie where they don't feel the need to go through the tiring process of explaining the backstory and origins of the bad guys. Just kill 'em!!!

Final Opinion: 3 Water Craving Aliens out of 5

"Review of Hall Pass" or "How to Not Pick Up Chicks"

About a week ago, my roommate Zoe and I both had off a Friday night and I had been begging her to see Hall Pass with me, and I finally got her to go and we went. Hall Pass was written and directed by the Farrelly Brothers, and its interesting to see how their taste has changed since the days of Something About Mary, where there was a gross out joke around every corner. Whereas now, there are still gross out jokes, for instance the scene where the girl sneezes in the bathtub, but its not quite like when the gross out jokes used to really gross me out, such as when Mary puts jizz in her hair thinking it is hair gel or the entirety of Kingpin, most specifically my favorite lines from that movie:

• Roy: Hey, I hope you don't mind, I got up a little early, so I took the liberty of milking your cow for you. Yeah, it took a little while to get her warmed up, she sure is a stubborn one, whew.
  [Takes a drink from the bucket]
  Amish Guy: We don't have a cow. We have a bull.
  Roy: I'm gonna brush my teeth. 

To contrast this, alot of the gross out jokes in this movie were still funny, just not that gross. I mean I wasn't irked by the fact that the brother from According to Jim pooped in a sand trap while fucked up on Pot Brownies but maybe thats cuz I guess poop in sand doesn't bother me, as opposed to the one scene that did gross me out in the movie (see the aforementioned sneeze scene) where poop was used in a disgustingly hilarious manner.
Anyways, there are two storylines moving the film along, one being the boys running around unbridaled, the other being the wives who are hiding out from the hi-jinks in Cape Cod with family. Lets first talk about the wives storyline, it was fucking boring. A very tanned (although she doesn't look it in the picture above) Jenna Fischer and a very sexy Christina Applegate were fine, but their storyline was simply there to get the male characters to where they were going. All though I did the baseball player's line "You're really awesome at sex."
On the other hand, all the great stuff that happens in this movie takes place when Fred (Jason Sudeikas) and Rick (Owen Wilson) go on their matrimonial-free spiritual journey. They rent a hotel room and set loose on a long line of hilarious adventures, a day of hungover repair, a bunch of hilarious stuff with their friends, big black penis, little orange penis. This is the part of the movie that is hilarious and it is funny enough that it saves all of the rest of the filler.
I thought that it was funny, goofy enough to be really funny, plus I happen to really like both of the lead actors, so my opinion may be a bit biased. Zoe did not like it, so chicks, beware.

Final opinion: 3.5 Totally Unexplained Subway Five Dollar Footlong References out of 5

"My Triumphant Return" or "The World is Insane"

Young Sheen playing Old Sheen

Had to take a blog hiatus after my last entry was so horribly wrong. Damn dos Packers! Anyways things that have been taking place recently: Charlie Sheen has been hilarious by becoming the first person to be repeatedly accused of spousal abuse, abandoning his family (and causing his wife to relapse back briefly into addiction) to spend a binge in a hotel room with porn stars (Bree Olson is a good choice though) with a briefcase of cocaine (not an exaggeration, an actual amount) and still be out there holding all the power over whether or not we ever see Two and a Half Men again and fascinating America with his hilarious and zany antics. Go Sheen, you crazy fuck who can't currently see his kids because his wife just filed a temporary restraining order against claiming that he is currently insane.

And then! Mike Huckabee steps in and takes his image of the "lovable politician to your face, evil republican mastermind behind your back," and changes it to "obviously crazy politician to your face" by ripping on Natalie Portman for supposedly glamorizing out of marriage pregnancies. What a harlot! First off, everyone loves Natalie Portman, so Huckabee that is a bad stance to begin with. Second, what is your alternative for NP? Abort the baby instead? No Sex? That's insane talk, fool!

He also said a bunch of crazy stuff about Obama growing up in Kenya (not true) and how their involvement in the Mau Mau Rebellion would make him an Anti-British Imperialist. Lots o Crazy a brewing up in this story. Huckabee, you can lose as much weight as you want, but you can't lose the crazy.


This post is dedicated to BK, I'll come down to Champaign sometime before the end of the school year, we'll get drunk.

Bears!!!!

The Bears destroyed the Seahawks last nite. The only reason the game was even relatively close (35-24) was because the Seahawks scored a bunch of Garbage Time points in the fourth quarter when the game was beyond over. Next week, they play a more challenging foe, the Green Bay Packers. We shall prevail because no one thinks we shall prevail. Fuck the Packers!

Check out that Man 'Stache!!!!!

2010 in a Nutshell (From Jeremy's Perspective)

I'm gonna do a little synopsis of the year for me. Let's see if I can get this all straight.

• Started the New Year in a house with two chicks and seven guys. I was single at this point. I got ridiculed (like seriously ridiculed) for being the only cigarette smoker there, despite the fact that I was in a house full of stoners, but hey no judgment from me.
• Spent a weekend in Macomb with Matt and some homies, a trip created to foster the health of pot plants. NFL Monopoly and a new understanding of Pee Wee's Big Adventure. It was totally fun.
• Went to what was thought to be a Second Interview, turns out this meant I was going to spend the ENTIRE day walking from door to door asking if people knew that they now had the ability to get AT&T U-Verse, while I was wearing a suit and a jacket only in ten degree weather. This has now gone down as the worst day of my life. It made me sick for the next two weeks. This day was worse than the day I crashed my Monte Carlo, worse than when I crashed my dad's car, worse than the day my car would break down on 55 (later in this story), the fucking worst day of my life.
• Get two jobs on the same day: One as a delivery driver at Pizza Hut, one as a patient transporter at a Hospital. I still have those jobs. (Hangs his head in shame)
• Spent a month and a half period where I am working seventy hours a week. It was really hard and I was running all the time too, while also living in the basement of my mother's house. This is really the description of the months of February and most of March, until......
• I started dating a nineteen year old I was working with. This month was like from a movie, in that I cannot believe that this month of events actually happened in my life. It was all pretty crazy, and I was pretty complacent, until.........
• I broke up with the nineteen year old a month later (NOT a fun thing to have to do to someone) and started seeing Lisa again. GOOD DECISION
• Break the hours down at The Hut, only working like sixty five hours, things are pretty good, except that I hate living at home but have nowhere else to go at that point.
• Lisa gets a new job that will be starting in August, she does not know where she will be going until the last minute it turns out she will get some other job with the company, but stay in Chicago (a previously thought to be unattainable option)!!!
• She moves to Chi-Town, I move into Zoe's house. Things are awesome. Hours go down to sixty hours a week.
• This is the Sports Section of the Year Synopsis, this is how the sports I care about did this year: Worked during the Super Bowl (never again!!!!), Illini lose in the NIT (suck), Bulls lose in first round to Cavs (not too crazy to see happening), HAWKS WIN THE FUCKING CHAMPIONSHIP (I saw them win this shit at Paradise Bay with Lisa and Zoe, they gave us free champagne, that was some good times), Cubs fall apart and Lou Retires (Quade, you get a young team with a couple of Rays mixed in, also you are not expected to win immediately, this seems like the perfect chance to win a surprise World Series), Illini football wins the Texas Bowl (Take your victories where you can), Bears surprise everyone (Except me, I'm on the record, check the tapes, ask people, I predicted this success), Bulls start pretty good (Thanks to Thibs and that pimp Rose), and Illin bball looking pretty good ('cept against UIC)
• Ok where were we? Ok, Halloween I dressed up as the person that dies every year at Unofficial, costume was a great success, Lisa (Tony Perkis) passes out at her own party at 10. Me and Matt (Chilean Miner) drink til like two with the other party-goers.
• My car breaks down, my life falls apart. I get it back two and a half weeks later and then it squeaks, I bring it in four times, squeaking never stops. This car repair sums up the last two months of the year. Much pain.
• I go to see the Nutcracker with Lisa, it is awesome. The next morning on the way home, my engine basically goes capoutososofdnofdsnskj on 55. My life falls apart.
• Have a emotionally scarring day at work on CHRISTMAS. Worst christmas ever. Get lots of hoodies and Blu-rays though.
• Enter the New Year in a great relationship, two shitty jobs, no car (since retreived), and being the designated driver cuz I had to work on New Years day as well.

Well that was the year. Pretty much all over the place. One Crazy old year. See Ya in Hell, 2010!!!! Ahahahaha